So I thought I would give everyone a bit of a background on where I’ve been and where I am in regards to my medication.

On June 28th 2018, I was reviewed by a Psychiatrist for the first time, his response of “you look alright to me” was NOT what I needed to hear, especially considering it had taken me 16 years to finally seek help. Nevertheless he agrees to start me on 500mg Depakote to see if my mood “will improve” and sends me on my way, with a review scheduled for 3 months time. After a month I was feeling no benefit, so following a phone consultation was upped to 1000mg of Depakote.

On 18/10/18, after having to call for an appointment as they forgot about me, I was seen by a different Psychiatrist whom at this stage diagnosed me with Bi-Polar II and increased me to 1250mg Depakote, and tells me I will be seen in 8 weeks.

21 weeks later on March 20th 2019, after again having to call up as they forgot about me, I see another Psychiatrist, whom increased me to 2500mg Depakote (500mg above BNF limits) and told me I would be seen in 8 weeks. At this point they change my diagnosis to Bi-Polar I.

Surprise surprise they forgot about me again, so following a phone call I was seen as an emergency (May 15th), ironically on the same day I attempted to take my own life in the morning (fate maybe?). The Psychiatrist was the same from my last review (finally some consistency) and with hearing about my actions from that morning and having had me on above limit Depakote for 8 weeks, decides that what I asked for in October (Lithium) was probably the best course of action.

My Depakote was stopped instantly, despite me reminding them I was a mental health nurse, and I was aware this wasn’t the usual course, but I was told to stop it immediately and commence Lithium 400mg the next day. At this point I changed service providers, hoping for a better outcome and treatment moving forward. After a week of 400mg I was increased to 600mg, and then proceeded to take that for 8 weeks, because amazingly enough my new provider forgot about me. The week before my first review with my new provider and Psychiatrist I am upped to 800mg of Lithium, and then after my review I was upped to 1000mg of Lithium, which is what I have been taking for these last 4 days so far.

My experience of Lithium and Depakote is a tale for another post, as I have had varied results and experiences on both the drugs, but at the moment I would have to say that I tend to prefer and respond better to Lithium than I do Depakote.

• So I decided to opt for a blog over a journal for a number of reasons, one being that my handwriting absolutely is atrocious, and two I just find it easier to share my thoughts with others nowadays rather than suppress them as I did for over 16 years.
• My hopes for this blog are to obviously share my journey through the system, whilst also challenging the system itself. As a mental health nurse I find it infuriating when I am told things that I know not to be true, or at the other end of the spectrum, am told too little as there is an expectancy that I should know it being a mental health nurse.
• I hope to connect with anyone out there whom is suffering from Bi-Polar or Uni-Polar, Cyclothymia, Personality Disorders or just anyone with a mental illness in general.
• I don’t and won’t be offering any form of professional guidance/counselling as I don’t think that is right and does go against my code of conduct as a nurse to an extent, but I am happy to help and offer advice if people genuinely and generally need it.
• I took a massive leap off faith in 2018, I admitted to myself that since 2002 I hadn’t been well and enough was enough, if this blog helps others find solace in this regard or helps others take that leap than it will have been worth it, with that being said this blog is also a therapeutic outlet for myself.